What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 06:27
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Have you ever had a scary dream about a loved one or friend soon after their death?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Especially a lifetime of it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But, we were locked up after school.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was in good health!
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Has your wife or girlfriend ever been felt up in public by a stranger?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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I write beautiful poetry .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
What was the worst spanking you ever got? Why did you get it, and how was it given to you?
He resisted the act ,that day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Put me off passion for life!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i do to all so called friends.?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When she asked me how she looked .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Ive learnt so much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She loved him until the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I said to her
I couldn’t, believe it.
Comes on , in middle age.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I will be 64.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I don,t even have a pension.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He knew the spot.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But ive been too sick for many years..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But it wasn’t much.
Im still living with it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was 9 years of age.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She found it foreign!.
I waited trembling.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was very sick at this time too.
Would this be the day?
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
It was going to be , some day.
And i lived it daily.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One cannot live in the past .
So, i spoilt her more .
Who then, do I blame.?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She married twice! .
We were not on the streets..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My family never makes their pension either.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My life is so biszare .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
What did i know ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I think the readers, may guess!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
This is soul school!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I have no regrets .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was seconnd youngest,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
(And it was in our own minds.)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them